Building the “Sacred Vessel”

of Relationship

by

Karen Turner, MA, LMFT

(First published in the Yoga Journal)

    At this critical juncture in the evolution of planetary consciousness, all of us are being called upon to transform our relationships -- from the most intimate to the most casual -- into sacred vessels that can be filled with the ever-renewing life of the spirit.

            Of course, the embarrassing truth is that we are all quite selfish and that we spend a lot of time trying to control one another so we can get what we want.  But rather than berating ourselves for this, let's admit it first in the privacy of our own hearts -- and then, let's set about the alchemical work of transforming the lead of ego, the lead of our attachments, into the gold of love and surrender.

            Certainly we all would agree that there is a force or power at work in the world that is greater than our egos.  By viewing our intimate relationships -- with our lover or mate, with our friends, with our children, with our parents, and most of all with ourselves -- as sacred vessels, sacred opportunities, we can surrender our attachments and our preconceptions to this higher power and learn to love and let go just a little bit more.  As we do this, we create a little more consciousness in our personal lives and so contribute to the collective consciousness of our planet.

            Another analogy I like to use is that in intimate relationships we have an opportunity to use muscles we haven't used in a long time -- the muscles of letting go and accepting and opening and loving.  As we exercise those muscles more and more each day, we contribute to our ability to exercise these qualities in every area of our lives.

            To create sacred vessels of our relationships, we must first make clear our intention to live and relate in this way.  Openness is required -- to other people and to the opportunities for growth inherent in each new situation.  Trust is also necessary -- in ourselves, one another, and our capacity for self-realization. And so, too, is commitment -- commitment to maintaining and nurturing this vessel and to engaging together in the process of transformation.  Without these three qualities -- openness, trust , and commitment -- which form the walls of the sacred vessel, the vessel will not be strong enough to hold the deeply transformative work we must do.

            Once the vessel has been forged, the following principles can serve as guidelines on the spiritual path of relationship.

            1.         Practice telling and hearing the truth.  We fear the truth because we're afraid of being abandoned or rejected.  We don't often consider the enormous pain we cause to ourselves and others when we don't tell the truth.  Set aside some time each week to be completely truthful with

                        each other -- perhaps even to divulge truths that are very difficult to share.  Total honesty can have a cleansing and healing effect on a   

                        relationship.  The rewards of this total honesty far outweigh the temporary discomfort and pain which is caused, building trust and respect for one another.

            2.         Stay with the experience of the present moment.  To the best of our ability and with compassion for our limitations, we need to penetrate more and more deeply into our present experience, whether pleasurable or painful.  This fidelity to our experience, rather than to some intellectual understanding, can take us beyond simply knowing (which is an ego event) into the eternal now of not knowing, the eternal mystery of Being itself.

            3.         Choose the relationship exactly as it is.  By choosing in this way, we take responsibility for our lives and empower ourselves to be active participants in life, rather than victims of or aggressors against life.  Taking responsibility keeps us from blaming one another and opens us to the opportunities for growth and learning inherent in our present life situation.

            4.         Respect, appreciate, and acknowledge yourself and others.  Self-respect and respect for others involves a willingness to be open and not fixate on any set of reactions or preconceptions.  By deeply honoring, acknowledging, and appreciating our own and each others uniqueness and wholeness, we set one another free to be who we really are, beyond all the images fabricated by our minds.

            5.         Recognize your own reflection in the other.  We tend to project onto others the parts of ourselves, both positive and negative, that we do not accept in ourselves.  Each time we re-own another of these projections, we become a little more aware of our wholeness, and a little less apt to go to another to avoid our own emptiness.

            6.         Share both your grief and your highest visions and dreams together.  Because of our cultural conditioning, we often find it more difficult to share our highest aspirations and visions than to share our deepest despair.  These areas in us are often so precious that we feel extremely vulnerable sharing them.  But we need to support one another in responding to a higher, spiritual calling; we need to come to know the light in each other's hearts.

            7.         Risk being impeccably true to yourself.  We often impose form on relationships because we are insecure and afraid of the future.  If we allow a relationship to grow naturally, as an expression of our authenticity, an organic form will generally emerge.  Because of our jealousy and insecurity, we try to get others to take care of us, to rescue us from our pain.  But it is only by deeply feeling our own pain and grief that we can open our hearts to the suffering of others.  Instead of being rescued or cared for, we can actually turn for nurturance to the source of life within and can live from the knowledge that we are each whole unto ourselves and already one with that source.  From this knowledge, we can then share that wholeness with one another.

            8.         Practice forgiveness.  We can facilitate our own and each other's release from suffering by practicing forgiveness.  First spend time looking into your own heart to find there the willingness to forgive, and then forgive yourself and others and ask for forgiveness in return.  Forgiveness also involves asking ourselves whether we are willing to support each other in becoming whole, no matter how it may affect the form of the relationship.

            9.         Share your joy, laughter, and playfulness together.  Spend time not working on the relationship.  Paradoxically, as we share our joy, we become more aware of how attached we are to suffering -- and can start to let go of that attachment, too.

            10.       Meditate together.  Schedule quiet time, time to "go inside" and share what you find there.  Also, A Course in Miracles advises us to "remember home" together, to share our deepest longings to return to our true home.  This longing, the Course teaches, lies behind the addictions -- to food, sex, people, drugs, ideas, alcohol -- to which so many of us are prone.

            11.       Honor separate as well as shared interests, friends, and practices.  We

                        need both times of separation and times of union to realize our wholeness.  Paradoxically, we can only become one people, one planet, by becoming one, whole, and free within ourselves.  Only by first discovering what we want in our personal lives can we come to know that our deepest wish is to become one with God.

            12.       Explore the relationship of sexuality to spirituality.  We need to look carefully at our attitudes toward sexuality.  Do we use it to become more aware of our wholeness?  Or do we use it to control each other out of fear and insecurity?  Are we consciously choosing to use our sexual energy, our life energy, for spiritual growth?  As we turn our relationships into sacred vessels, all the energy generated there can be used to fuel the process of transformation -- on all levels.

            13.       Get outside help when needed.  Many of us tend to idealize our spiritual practice and so do not seek outside help when problems arise in our intimate relationships.  But outside input, especially from one who does not share our own spiritual biases and beliefs, can help us cut through unconscious and unhealthy patterns and attitudes.  This help can come from friends or professionals, within or outside of our own chosen traditions, giving us a fresh new look at ourselves.

            14.       Personal relationships reflect global relationships.  Together we create the collective consciousness of this planet.  What happens to one of us happens, at some level, to us all.  By recognizing and sharing our experiences as we attempt to make of our relationships a spiritual path, we can increase our shared awareness of the ways in which we are responsible to ourselves, each other, and the whole earth.

            Using these guiding principles, we can begin to make of our intimate relationships a spiritual practice.  Day by day, we can learn to be more supportive of each other, more compassionate, more loving, more authentic.  The personal, the global, and the transpersonal realms are no longer separate, and the work we do in our personal lives has a significant impact on the lives of billions of people we will never meet.

            We all want the same things for ourselves -- to love (and be loved), to accept (and be accepted), to forgive (and be forgiven), to serve and to create.  We are one people, nourished by one planet, sustained by one spirit -- and the more we can remember this, the more we can "remember home" together and make of this world a sanctuary and a vessel of peace.